Night

When I get tired I tend to like repetition. I repeat words over and over when I'm speaking or writing something and the same thoughts or bit of song will repeat in my head over and over. I try to avoid going to bed sometimes because of this, I don't want to give my mind time to settle down and find whatever is going to start repeating itself in my head. Especially when they turn out to be thoughts, because the thoughts that come around at this time of night, are the ones I spend the whole day trying not to think.

I started my photography class on Monday, I get to use the darkroom and actually develop and print my own work. I like it, I like seeing things all the way through a process, I like turning science into art. It's like magic. 

That is a pretty old photo up there.

A bit lost...

I don't know where I am going right now, quite literally. I have to move out of where I'm living now by the first and I don't have anywhere to go to (at least not anywhere that isn't temporary). But also I don't really know where my life is going right now. I, as usual, put too much on my plate of things to do in life and now I'm panicking at the mess I've caused and trying desperately to get it all put together and to turn out alright before it's too late, even though it probably already is too late. After re-reading that I realize I could really apply that to a lot of different things in my life if I wanted to, but I really only had one thing in mind. And the other thing is that once I get the things I need to get figured out now figured out, I have no idea where I'll be going from there. I like to have some sort of idea about where things are going, I like to have a loose plan to follow so I know where to go with my life if some part doesn't work out. Probably mostly because I feel like nothing ever works for me, I kind of destroy anything that is working out. But that might just be me blaming myself for everything (which I do seem to do). Also, I'm turning 20 soon, I feel so old and so young at the same time. I feel like I'm wasting my life sometimes.

I should write this stupid paper and get it over with already. But somehow I just don't care about this anymore, even though I know I should... I just don't have time to care? Ach, my mind doesn't even make sense to me anymore.

Illustrating

I might be a little too proud of this right now...

Endless

I am so disappointed in myself right now. I was finally not procrastinating anything for school for the first two-thirds of this summer term (I am never taking summer classes again! Not that I was planning to anyway, but I have come to that decision in case there is some future situation I'm not seeing right now). But these last couple of weeks I've been working even more and forgetting about schoolwork and well, just being lazy and procrastinating (cue profanity coming out of my mouth and being directed at myself). Considering I am getting pretty close to pulling an all-nighter (something I haven't actually done since last spring when I had a really really strange sleep schedule and it's not that I haven't stayed up through the night since then, it's that I've always gone to bed oh, sometime around now or in the next hour or so) and probably will pull an all-nighter I just can't help but being upset with myself. Especially because what I'm working on isn't difficult, it doesn't even really require much critical thinking, it is just ridiculously time-consuming. But it should turn out to be a pretty cool project once it's done. I'll post some pictures or something, because I don't really have anything else going on in my life and, well I feel bad just letting this blog sit here with nothing new on it. 

I have to say that if you made it through that without being completely confused by the side-tracks my mind takes or the way that I write them out... well, then you are amazing! 

Through the Lens

Other than taking a lot of photos of my feet over the past few months, I also apparently really liked to take pictures of myself taking pictures (in case you didn't notice I don't really usually do this, or at least I don't think I do). I realize I've posted the last one before but I still like it, in fact I like all of them at least a little, which is even weirder. 

Delicate

Quite a while ago a friend of mine described my blog as containing "delicate little descriptions." I honestly haven't been able to get these words out of my head since I first read them. Mostly it's that one word: delicate. I feel like the entire world is delicate, like my entire life is delicate; one wrong turn and everything can fall apart, everything can disappear. I like to think that light is delicate and when I take pictures I am trying to capture the delicate little bits and pieces that the light is creating. I'm trying to show people how delicate my life is, how the light streams through all the cracks and pinholes, how it's like a whole other universe waiting to be discovered. That's what light really is to me, it's what reveals the truth. Anything can happen when it's dark, but when the light comes back, when the sun rises, that's when everything really happens, and those in-between moments are just magical, anything can happen between the lightness and the darkness.

August

I can't believe it's August already (and 9 days into it!). It's already started out as a hectic month for me, I have to find a new place to live by the end of the month, my classes are finishing up (I have finals this week) and my work schedules have been conflicting (which was entirely my fault). The good thing about August though is that it means my birthday is coming up (yay! I'll officially not be a teen anymore, that's about all that's exciting about turning 20) and that autumn is almost here (which is my favorite season) although the weather seems pretty determined to make August into an autumn month this year.