A River Runs Through It

Growing up I remember that there was a book of my dad's on fly-fishing. It was always out somewhere. I don't ever remember my dad going fly-fishing growing up but I know he had all the equipment for it, a fairly nice pole, flys that my aunt (his sister) had made him, and even the hat. When I was in high school I learned to fly-fish in one of my classes, I even caught a fish. It was a rewarding and new experience and I wish that I had had the opportunity to do it at some time earlier in my life. I just watched A River Runs Through It for the first time, and I am surprised that I had not seen it before. I'm sure it's a movie my dad likes, so much of it reminds me of him and also of what I want my life to be like eventually. I'm not the kind of person who loves living in a city. I like it, it's fun and there are some things that are great about it, but really I want to live in the woods one day. Just be out there away from people with the trees and a river and some mountains and live. Just enjoy the parts of the world where I feel most at home. I think that's something that my dad and I have in common, although we've never really spoken about it, I think he prefers to be outside, away from people. As I've gotten older I've come to realize that I'm a lot more like him than I ever thought, but there are some things about him that I will never be like. When it comes to fly fishing though I want to do more of it, I want to be out in the woods more, I don't want to spend all my time in the city.

A bit lost...

I don't know where I am going right now, quite literally. I have to move out of where I'm living now by the first and I don't have anywhere to go to (at least not anywhere that isn't temporary). But also I don't really know where my life is going right now. I, as usual, put too much on my plate of things to do in life and now I'm panicking at the mess I've caused and trying desperately to get it all put together and to turn out alright before it's too late, even though it probably already is too late. After re-reading that I realize I could really apply that to a lot of different things in my life if I wanted to, but I really only had one thing in mind. And the other thing is that once I get the things I need to get figured out now figured out, I have no idea where I'll be going from there. I like to have some sort of idea about where things are going, I like to have a loose plan to follow so I know where to go with my life if some part doesn't work out. Probably mostly because I feel like nothing ever works for me, I kind of destroy anything that is working out. But that might just be me blaming myself for everything (which I do seem to do). Also, I'm turning 20 soon, I feel so old and so young at the same time. I feel like I'm wasting my life sometimes.

I should write this stupid paper and get it over with already. But somehow I just don't care about this anymore, even though I know I should... I just don't have time to care? Ach, my mind doesn't even make sense to me anymore.

I can't help myself

I am a nostalgic person, I dwell on the past far too much, and I often leave out the not-so-nice parts. It's part of why I'm studying archaeology, I get to look at other people's pasts. Maybe if I look at other people's pasts I won't look at mine quite so much. Maybe it will be like how I am with cleaning and organizing... always other people's things, never my own. I just want the next five terms of school to be over. Then I'll be done with school... hopefully. But I need to focus on right now, not the past and not the future, this is such a problem. I'm never present. Randomly I just remembered that when I was little, I dreamed of becoming the stereotypical absent-minded academic. I think I might be on my way there.