A bit lost...

I don't know where I am going right now, quite literally. I have to move out of where I'm living now by the first and I don't have anywhere to go to (at least not anywhere that isn't temporary). But also I don't really know where my life is going right now. I, as usual, put too much on my plate of things to do in life and now I'm panicking at the mess I've caused and trying desperately to get it all put together and to turn out alright before it's too late, even though it probably already is too late. After re-reading that I realize I could really apply that to a lot of different things in my life if I wanted to, but I really only had one thing in mind. And the other thing is that once I get the things I need to get figured out now figured out, I have no idea where I'll be going from there. I like to have some sort of idea about where things are going, I like to have a loose plan to follow so I know where to go with my life if some part doesn't work out. Probably mostly because I feel like nothing ever works for me, I kind of destroy anything that is working out. But that might just be me blaming myself for everything (which I do seem to do). Also, I'm turning 20 soon, I feel so old and so young at the same time. I feel like I'm wasting my life sometimes.

I should write this stupid paper and get it over with already. But somehow I just don't care about this anymore, even though I know I should... I just don't have time to care? Ach, my mind doesn't even make sense to me anymore.

Endless

I am so disappointed in myself right now. I was finally not procrastinating anything for school for the first two-thirds of this summer term (I am never taking summer classes again! Not that I was planning to anyway, but I have come to that decision in case there is some future situation I'm not seeing right now). But these last couple of weeks I've been working even more and forgetting about schoolwork and well, just being lazy and procrastinating (cue profanity coming out of my mouth and being directed at myself). Considering I am getting pretty close to pulling an all-nighter (something I haven't actually done since last spring when I had a really really strange sleep schedule and it's not that I haven't stayed up through the night since then, it's that I've always gone to bed oh, sometime around now or in the next hour or so) and probably will pull an all-nighter I just can't help but being upset with myself. Especially because what I'm working on isn't difficult, it doesn't even really require much critical thinking, it is just ridiculously time-consuming. But it should turn out to be a pretty cool project once it's done. I'll post some pictures or something, because I don't really have anything else going on in my life and, well I feel bad just letting this blog sit here with nothing new on it. 

I have to say that if you made it through that without being completely confused by the side-tracks my mind takes or the way that I write them out... well, then you are amazing! 

Tap

When I was young I wanted to dance... dance until the end of time. Not delicate ballet but the precise yet graceful tap. I wanted to be a tap dancer. But I decided to be academic instead, I quit dancing and now, especially lately for some reason, my soul seems to be longing for that rhythm, that expression, that one thing I was never god-awful at.

Can you tell I'm trying to avoid finishing my homework and apparently don't care about sleep tonight?

source

A night with no sleep

Oh the joys of being in college... last night I didn't sleep because I had a horrible headache all day which prevented me from getting the paper I had saved to occupy me on Valentine's Day started until 10pm. First, no the headache had nothing to do with alcohol. Second, when I say I started a paper at 10pm, I mean that I started finishing the reading the paper was on at 10pm. Needless to say, there is always a grand adventure to be had when you're up the entire night (I literally finished my paper just in time to take a shower and go to class). I drank tea to stay up, made some banana oatmeal, realized halfway through my bowl of oatmeal that I was tasting the banana and I don't like bananas all that much. I also made my brother a handkerchief? I don't know how that got done...