Busy

A random picture from the coast that I like...

A long and some-what boring rant-ish writing about my life as it is currently...


I'm not unhappy, just exhausted.. actually I'm pretty happy with my life right now, I just need to have a little more time somewhere so I can think about things and figure out what is coming next. Right now it seems as if I am living my life day by day. Most of the time I hardly know what it is coming the next day (or even what day it is). I'm enjoying my photography class and I've been taking pictures like mad but printing them myself in the darkroom is such a long process that I feel like I don't have much to show for all the photos I've been taking. Don't get me wrong, working in the darkroom is a really rewarding process. I probably would have been there at some point today if I wasn't out of paper. For our next assignment we have to take portraits which I'm a little worried about, just because I don't know who I'm going to take them of or when. I'm moving to a new apartment on Monday and not at all ready, but I have tomorrow free all day, so I think I'll be able to get some things done then. It just seems like I'm doing nothing but working, going to class, sleeping, and eating (occasionally, sometimes I seem to forget about this one) right now. Even on my days off that's all I feel like I'm doing (mostly because if I have a day off work, I still go to class/work in the darkroom/do homework/help people with things and when I have days off school, well I'm definitely working then). Luckily I should have a break soon. I'm not sure why I'm posting this right now... I just really need more time to have a life. I need to talk to people. 

A bit lost...

I don't know where I am going right now, quite literally. I have to move out of where I'm living now by the first and I don't have anywhere to go to (at least not anywhere that isn't temporary). But also I don't really know where my life is going right now. I, as usual, put too much on my plate of things to do in life and now I'm panicking at the mess I've caused and trying desperately to get it all put together and to turn out alright before it's too late, even though it probably already is too late. After re-reading that I realize I could really apply that to a lot of different things in my life if I wanted to, but I really only had one thing in mind. And the other thing is that once I get the things I need to get figured out now figured out, I have no idea where I'll be going from there. I like to have some sort of idea about where things are going, I like to have a loose plan to follow so I know where to go with my life if some part doesn't work out. Probably mostly because I feel like nothing ever works for me, I kind of destroy anything that is working out. But that might just be me blaming myself for everything (which I do seem to do). Also, I'm turning 20 soon, I feel so old and so young at the same time. I feel like I'm wasting my life sometimes.

I should write this stupid paper and get it over with already. But somehow I just don't care about this anymore, even though I know I should... I just don't have time to care? Ach, my mind doesn't even make sense to me anymore.

Calm

I really love the stillness of black and white photos right now. I'm exhausted right now, but after trying to sleep for an hour, I just can't get my mind to be quiet. There are too many things swirling around it right now. It's raining out. It started just as I was getting back to my building. I had to wait for the train earlier, I'm glad it wasn't raining then, even if I did have an umbrella. I've been tired and a little grumpy lately. Not too grumpy though, just the "I don't really want to be around people for so much of my spring break doing things that are exhausting over and over again" kind of grumpiness. (I'll bet you didn't know that was a type of grumpiness - it totally is) My knees are bruised. I feel like I've been beaten... but really, it's my own fault for letting myself get so out of shape. I'm going to try and sleep now. But really, I've been so so happy the past few days, I keep singing and laughing to myself while I walk by myself to the train station at night. Luckily there isn't usually anyone around to think I'm crazy.

Macarons

This is my version of what I was talking about yesterday... they are amazingly delicious, and some don't look all that bad... perhaps, with some training, I could become a French pastry chef after all.... Not that I have any desire to do that right now, but it is good to know I have that option.

I don't think anything else I say is going to have anything to do with macarons, do I ever really stay on subject on here? This is sad, I'm asking myself questions and answering them. I think I need to sleep... there are lots of signs right now that I need to, like that my eyes can't completely focus on my computer screen or that anything I try to read does not remain in my mind.

There are a few things that I wanted to talk about, but I don't remember them right now... Can you tell I'm tired? I'm afraid this is going to be a very stupid sounding post... oh well. Earlier tonight, probably because it was 80 out still when I was riding my bike home from work at 10:30, I had a strange desire to go swimming (or really, skinny dipping, oh so scandalous, I know). Unfortunately this isn't really an option right now. I also really want to go camping, darn it! I am also really glad that I am currently spending my time in what is technically a desert (so there is no humidity to make the heat even worse) and also missing the horrible heat wave hitting Portland right now.

I think the final thing I have to say is: Who calls someone Moose? That is so random. I am so horribly random when I'm tired. I'm going to sleep.

Busy

This week has been filled with paper writing, which something I don't want to do anymore, but know I most likely will have to continue to do before I am finished with school. Now that the weekend is here I seem to have even more to write, so this weekend won't be too much fun, but it is the last weekend of the school year, so I am ok with it being filled with schoolwork. But now, my bed is calling me to take a nap because all this writing has made me sleepy.

Colorless

I have never been much of a fan of self-portraits, but I found that there was no better picture available to show my exhaustion today, but one of myself. I don't know where this exhaustion has come from, but it feels like it is in my soul today.