A River Runs Through It

Growing up I remember that there was a book of my dad's on fly-fishing. It was always out somewhere. I don't ever remember my dad going fly-fishing growing up but I know he had all the equipment for it, a fairly nice pole, flys that my aunt (his sister) had made him, and even the hat. When I was in high school I learned to fly-fish in one of my classes, I even caught a fish. It was a rewarding and new experience and I wish that I had had the opportunity to do it at some time earlier in my life. I just watched A River Runs Through It for the first time, and I am surprised that I had not seen it before. I'm sure it's a movie my dad likes, so much of it reminds me of him and also of what I want my life to be like eventually. I'm not the kind of person who loves living in a city. I like it, it's fun and there are some things that are great about it, but really I want to live in the woods one day. Just be out there away from people with the trees and a river and some mountains and live. Just enjoy the parts of the world where I feel most at home. I think that's something that my dad and I have in common, although we've never really spoken about it, I think he prefers to be outside, away from people. As I've gotten older I've come to realize that I'm a lot more like him than I ever thought, but there are some things about him that I will never be like. When it comes to fly fishing though I want to do more of it, I want to be out in the woods more, I don't want to spend all my time in the city.

A bit lost...

I don't know where I am going right now, quite literally. I have to move out of where I'm living now by the first and I don't have anywhere to go to (at least not anywhere that isn't temporary). But also I don't really know where my life is going right now. I, as usual, put too much on my plate of things to do in life and now I'm panicking at the mess I've caused and trying desperately to get it all put together and to turn out alright before it's too late, even though it probably already is too late. After re-reading that I realize I could really apply that to a lot of different things in my life if I wanted to, but I really only had one thing in mind. And the other thing is that once I get the things I need to get figured out now figured out, I have no idea where I'll be going from there. I like to have some sort of idea about where things are going, I like to have a loose plan to follow so I know where to go with my life if some part doesn't work out. Probably mostly because I feel like nothing ever works for me, I kind of destroy anything that is working out. But that might just be me blaming myself for everything (which I do seem to do). Also, I'm turning 20 soon, I feel so old and so young at the same time. I feel like I'm wasting my life sometimes.

I should write this stupid paper and get it over with already. But somehow I just don't care about this anymore, even though I know I should... I just don't have time to care? Ach, my mind doesn't even make sense to me anymore.

Today

I am currently in Bend, watching my younger brother for the weekend. I love the light in my parent's house.

What I do when I'm bored

I forget about everything, so sticky notes are my best friend. Although, I have to say I think I may have put too much effort into these ones (I plan on re-using the green ones as I continue to run out of the same things and forgetting about it over and over this year). Hey, at least I was some-what productive, right?

Oh, I almost forgot, I am considering taping/gluing an actual almond onto the picture of the almond butter jar, what do you think?

Sunlight

I finally feel pretty moved in to my new place up in Portland (yes, I'm back in Portland, now you don't have to listen to me talk about moving anymore). There is a tree right outside my window that makes some pretty patterns with the afternoon sunlight all over my room, I'm in love with it right now. I am also enjoying my new plant, a cactus, which I have named Zeus. I haven't gotten around to putting anything on the walls so they are still starkly white, but there are no more boxes to be unpacked and almost everything has found at least a temporary place (until I feel like really organizing everything).

Inspiration

I apologize for the double posting today. I know I have been posting a lot, but I really felt I needed to post this right now. At some point tonight it rained a little bit and I was sitting outside right afterward, the smell was amazing. It's one of my favorite smells, I just wish that I could somehow reproduce it. Anyway, after this, while I was sitting on the back step, the sprinklers turned on and the pattern that they made on our back patio was for some reason very inspiring to me, it was creeping along in that way that water has. I took this inspiration and decided to re-do the wall in my room where I put up things that inspire me (as I hadn't in over a year). In case you are wondering about half of the things on there now are Marc Jacobs ads, because I love his clothes and also really enjoy Juergen Teller's photos. That then inspired me to make a new piece of art... let me know what you think, please! That is all I had to say for now.

Night!

Old

As the end of my school term comes closer and closer... I feel like it is creeping up on me and then is suddenly going to jump out of a bush and frighten me... I am looking forward, more and more, to going back to Bend for the summer. It's nice to be somewhere that you know intimately, but that still surprises you sometimes. I just want to be somewhere where I have hideouts for when I am upset or want some time alone and places where I can meet with old friends.

I also can't wait to visit all my favorite photo places and start shooting. Though it may be a cold summer... it snowed there yesterday, but i still can't wait to get back to home and leave work at work.