Night

When I get tired I tend to like repetition. I repeat words over and over when I'm speaking or writing something and the same thoughts or bit of song will repeat in my head over and over. I try to avoid going to bed sometimes because of this, I don't want to give my mind time to settle down and find whatever is going to start repeating itself in my head. Especially when they turn out to be thoughts, because the thoughts that come around at this time of night, are the ones I spend the whole day trying not to think.

I started my photography class on Monday, I get to use the darkroom and actually develop and print my own work. I like it, I like seeing things all the way through a process, I like turning science into art. It's like magic. 

That is a pretty old photo up there.

A bit lost...

I don't know where I am going right now, quite literally. I have to move out of where I'm living now by the first and I don't have anywhere to go to (at least not anywhere that isn't temporary). But also I don't really know where my life is going right now. I, as usual, put too much on my plate of things to do in life and now I'm panicking at the mess I've caused and trying desperately to get it all put together and to turn out alright before it's too late, even though it probably already is too late. After re-reading that I realize I could really apply that to a lot of different things in my life if I wanted to, but I really only had one thing in mind. And the other thing is that once I get the things I need to get figured out now figured out, I have no idea where I'll be going from there. I like to have some sort of idea about where things are going, I like to have a loose plan to follow so I know where to go with my life if some part doesn't work out. Probably mostly because I feel like nothing ever works for me, I kind of destroy anything that is working out. But that might just be me blaming myself for everything (which I do seem to do). Also, I'm turning 20 soon, I feel so old and so young at the same time. I feel like I'm wasting my life sometimes.

I should write this stupid paper and get it over with already. But somehow I just don't care about this anymore, even though I know I should... I just don't have time to care? Ach, my mind doesn't even make sense to me anymore.

Calm

I really love the stillness of black and white photos right now. I'm exhausted right now, but after trying to sleep for an hour, I just can't get my mind to be quiet. There are too many things swirling around it right now. It's raining out. It started just as I was getting back to my building. I had to wait for the train earlier, I'm glad it wasn't raining then, even if I did have an umbrella. I've been tired and a little grumpy lately. Not too grumpy though, just the "I don't really want to be around people for so much of my spring break doing things that are exhausting over and over again" kind of grumpiness. (I'll bet you didn't know that was a type of grumpiness - it totally is) My knees are bruised. I feel like I've been beaten... but really, it's my own fault for letting myself get so out of shape. I'm going to try and sleep now. But really, I've been so so happy the past few days, I keep singing and laughing to myself while I walk by myself to the train station at night. Luckily there isn't usually anyone around to think I'm crazy.

Last Days

Well, the time has come, there are only two more days left until I head back up north (that is an over-statement, Portland is north of Bend, but not by much on world distance standards). I've had random people ask me to do things before I leave and when I get up there, but my plans are pretty well set (at least for me they seem to be, I don't really plan). I move on Saturday, spend Sunday with my family, get settled in on Monday, possibly spend Tuesday at the zoo, then on Wednesday... GO TO SEE MODEST MOUSE!

I think I may get overly-excited about these things.

Anyway, I have lots to get done tomorrow (when I say that I mean Thursday) and Friday, but I can't seem to get to sleep tonight, even though I am actually pretty tired. It seems that sleep has been eluding me more and more this summer, I don't know how I am going to survive with that 8am class this fall... lots and lots of coffee and chai, that's for sure.

Here are a few things I have been meaning to share with everyone for the past week or so:

These are the deer that live near Shawn's house. I think it's a little bit funny how excited he and his parents get about them, but that's because when I was younger herds of 10-20 deer roamed my neighborhood and attacked my mother's flower gardens, so I think of them as flower-destroyers, not the cute little things they really are, especially the fawns.

This is the first of my breakfasts a couple of days ago. It was a failure though, we were out of milk, so no cereal for me (wait until you hear about the rest of it).

This was attempt number two at breakfast, looks like some yummy sourdough toast, right? Nope, that is GARLIC sourdough bread, no thanks, not with my orange juice.

This is what I finally ended up trying to actually eat for breakfast that day. However, I forgot: I don't really like peanut butter very much.

This is the peanut butter I eat, I love it, as much as I can love peanut butter (I can't). In fact, I think I am going to switch to almond butter, it's so much more delicious.

So those are some silly, random things that have been going on, this just makes me look like a really boring person.

I apologize to anyone that I just put to sleep, hopefully you don't drool too much and ruin your computers.

Today

Today I feel like the summer weather is finally getting to me. It wasn't even all that warm out, I mean it was hot, but it's been warmer than it was today all week. I just want to be able to bundle myself up again, throw on some old beat up boots, or curl up in bed while I watch snow falling outside the window. I don't want to go back to Portland and school, I just want the weather to get cold again. I mean I do want to go back to Portland... it's mostly the school thing and all the uncertainties I feel when I think about that. Am I ever certain of anything?

Photo credits: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

Perhaps this is all from my lack of sleep right now, though in the morning I will of had too much sleep. There is a bug flying around my room. I don't understand where it came from, it wasn't here just a minute ago.