Insomnia

Empty beds have become the hardest to sleep in.

This is a really old photo. I just realized I like it.

Busy

A random picture from the coast that I like...

A long and some-what boring rant-ish writing about my life as it is currently...


I'm not unhappy, just exhausted.. actually I'm pretty happy with my life right now, I just need to have a little more time somewhere so I can think about things and figure out what is coming next. Right now it seems as if I am living my life day by day. Most of the time I hardly know what it is coming the next day (or even what day it is). I'm enjoying my photography class and I've been taking pictures like mad but printing them myself in the darkroom is such a long process that I feel like I don't have much to show for all the photos I've been taking. Don't get me wrong, working in the darkroom is a really rewarding process. I probably would have been there at some point today if I wasn't out of paper. For our next assignment we have to take portraits which I'm a little worried about, just because I don't know who I'm going to take them of or when. I'm moving to a new apartment on Monday and not at all ready, but I have tomorrow free all day, so I think I'll be able to get some things done then. It just seems like I'm doing nothing but working, going to class, sleeping, and eating (occasionally, sometimes I seem to forget about this one) right now. Even on my days off that's all I feel like I'm doing (mostly because if I have a day off work, I still go to class/work in the darkroom/do homework/help people with things and when I have days off school, well I'm definitely working then). Luckily I should have a break soon. I'm not sure why I'm posting this right now... I just really need more time to have a life. I need to talk to people. 

Night

When I get tired I tend to like repetition. I repeat words over and over when I'm speaking or writing something and the same thoughts or bit of song will repeat in my head over and over. I try to avoid going to bed sometimes because of this, I don't want to give my mind time to settle down and find whatever is going to start repeating itself in my head. Especially when they turn out to be thoughts, because the thoughts that come around at this time of night, are the ones I spend the whole day trying not to think.

I started my photography class on Monday, I get to use the darkroom and actually develop and print my own work. I like it, I like seeing things all the way through a process, I like turning science into art. It's like magic. 

That is a pretty old photo up there.

Endless

I am so disappointed in myself right now. I was finally not procrastinating anything for school for the first two-thirds of this summer term (I am never taking summer classes again! Not that I was planning to anyway, but I have come to that decision in case there is some future situation I'm not seeing right now). But these last couple of weeks I've been working even more and forgetting about schoolwork and well, just being lazy and procrastinating (cue profanity coming out of my mouth and being directed at myself). Considering I am getting pretty close to pulling an all-nighter (something I haven't actually done since last spring when I had a really really strange sleep schedule and it's not that I haven't stayed up through the night since then, it's that I've always gone to bed oh, sometime around now or in the next hour or so) and probably will pull an all-nighter I just can't help but being upset with myself. Especially because what I'm working on isn't difficult, it doesn't even really require much critical thinking, it is just ridiculously time-consuming. But it should turn out to be a pretty cool project once it's done. I'll post some pictures or something, because I don't really have anything else going on in my life and, well I feel bad just letting this blog sit here with nothing new on it. 

I have to say that if you made it through that without being completely confused by the side-tracks my mind takes or the way that I write them out... well, then you are amazing! 

I forgot to mention; lately my dreams have been very strange and I've remembered them (the first part of that is pretty normal but the second isn't). Last night for example, I dreamt that I got lost while on a walk (the part before this was just strange and hard to explain so I'm just going to describe the disgusting part for your reading pleasure) and then in order to get back to where I started I had to crawl through a large pile of animal skins and fat, at the time (in my dream) I made a comment about how this was definitely enough to make me become a vegetarian again. When I woke up this morning I was seriously considering it... I have since changed my mind but decided that if that ever did happen I would most likely stop eating meat. 

Softness

Rain makes the light so soft. And me so sleepy.

Calm

I really love the stillness of black and white photos right now. I'm exhausted right now, but after trying to sleep for an hour, I just can't get my mind to be quiet. There are too many things swirling around it right now. It's raining out. It started just as I was getting back to my building. I had to wait for the train earlier, I'm glad it wasn't raining then, even if I did have an umbrella. I've been tired and a little grumpy lately. Not too grumpy though, just the "I don't really want to be around people for so much of my spring break doing things that are exhausting over and over again" kind of grumpiness. (I'll bet you didn't know that was a type of grumpiness - it totally is) My knees are bruised. I feel like I've been beaten... but really, it's my own fault for letting myself get so out of shape. I'm going to try and sleep now. But really, I've been so so happy the past few days, I keep singing and laughing to myself while I walk by myself to the train station at night. Luckily there isn't usually anyone around to think I'm crazy.

Although I've been busy with school, I have had the most amazing dreams lately. The kind that make me want to stay in bed and go back to sleep so they can continue and I don't have to deal with life anymore. I'm not feeling all that great right now, so I might just spend the weekend in bed, trying to keep from getting sick.

source

Curls

I put my hair into pin-curls earlier tonight, simply to try something new, I mean my hair is straight as a stick and hates curling irons, I might as well try and get it to do something else. I couldn't sleep and so decided to take out the pins a bit early, which was probably a good idea, now I can let the curls calm down a bit. Since my hair is pretty short they kind of went out of control, yet I have to say I'm enjoying having curly hair right now, even if it never happens again. Oh and I know that I look like an old lady in that picture, but trust me, I look better there than in any of the others since it was 2 in the morning and there were giant bags under my eyes.

A night with no sleep

Oh the joys of being in college... last night I didn't sleep because I had a horrible headache all day which prevented me from getting the paper I had saved to occupy me on Valentine's Day started until 10pm. First, no the headache had nothing to do with alcohol. Second, when I say I started a paper at 10pm, I mean that I started finishing the reading the paper was on at 10pm. Needless to say, there is always a grand adventure to be had when you're up the entire night (I literally finished my paper just in time to take a shower and go to class). I drank tea to stay up, made some banana oatmeal, realized halfway through my bowl of oatmeal that I was tasting the banana and I don't like bananas all that much. I also made my brother a handkerchief? I don't know how that got done...

Drifting

I know I should be sleeping, there is no excuse for why I'm not currently dreaming away. But I am dreaming, I'm dreaming of autumn, of being free to travel, of seeing everything, of doing everything that I dream of accomplishing in my life. I want it all to happen now, but that would be way too easy. I guess I won't have to wait much longer for autumn to arrive, at least one of my dreams is coming true soon.

Sources: 1 (via). 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

Last Days

Well, the time has come, there are only two more days left until I head back up north (that is an over-statement, Portland is north of Bend, but not by much on world distance standards). I've had random people ask me to do things before I leave and when I get up there, but my plans are pretty well set (at least for me they seem to be, I don't really plan). I move on Saturday, spend Sunday with my family, get settled in on Monday, possibly spend Tuesday at the zoo, then on Wednesday... GO TO SEE MODEST MOUSE!

I think I may get overly-excited about these things.

Anyway, I have lots to get done tomorrow (when I say that I mean Thursday) and Friday, but I can't seem to get to sleep tonight, even though I am actually pretty tired. It seems that sleep has been eluding me more and more this summer, I don't know how I am going to survive with that 8am class this fall... lots and lots of coffee and chai, that's for sure.

Here are a few things I have been meaning to share with everyone for the past week or so:

These are the deer that live near Shawn's house. I think it's a little bit funny how excited he and his parents get about them, but that's because when I was younger herds of 10-20 deer roamed my neighborhood and attacked my mother's flower gardens, so I think of them as flower-destroyers, not the cute little things they really are, especially the fawns.

This is the first of my breakfasts a couple of days ago. It was a failure though, we were out of milk, so no cereal for me (wait until you hear about the rest of it).

This was attempt number two at breakfast, looks like some yummy sourdough toast, right? Nope, that is GARLIC sourdough bread, no thanks, not with my orange juice.

This is what I finally ended up trying to actually eat for breakfast that day. However, I forgot: I don't really like peanut butter very much.

This is the peanut butter I eat, I love it, as much as I can love peanut butter (I can't). In fact, I think I am going to switch to almond butter, it's so much more delicious.

So those are some silly, random things that have been going on, this just makes me look like a really boring person.

I apologize to anyone that I just put to sleep, hopefully you don't drool too much and ruin your computers.

Moonshine

I'm not feeling all that great tonight, my solution: sleep, relaxing tomorrow (probably by spending lots of time in bed) and drinking lots of tea.

Sources: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Insomnia

It seems I can never sleep on the nights when I have to get up early the next morning, maybe it's just that it actually matters that I can't sleep on those days. Whatever the reason I will be quite exhausted tomorrow, esspecially if I can't get to sleep after this. Above you will find some of my personal favorites from my last batch of film. Pretty exciting, huh? So, I'm going to cut this short because I have to get up in four and a half hours. I just wish my head would stop going in circles, it's been at it all night, and I've already been on this train of thought so many times before, it just isn't fun anymore. Yet, it's still an unresolved and scary thought so it keeps popping in to say hello. I hope I'm making sense, I think I used entirely too many forms of description towards my thoughts just now.

Days

Days go by, one after the other, I never know what will happen as each one unfolds. It's always something interesting, or I think of it as interesting and exciting afterwards, most days. Some days though I wish I led a more exciting life, full of trips and adventures and exciting friends. But I think that I may already be leading that life I wish for on the boring days. Today for example, I did quite a few things, with the twelve hours I have now been up (yes, I got up at noon... my sleep habits are getting a bit ridiculous).

1. Re-organized photos on computer

2. Got film developed

3. Sent out birthday invitations (only 12 more days until my birthday, 13 until the party that is going to be amazing, it does not have a choice)

4. Looked through library books of photographs and took pictures of the pages with my favorite photos on them (that sounds so much more pathetically nerdy than I thought it would)

5. Helped my mom with the groceries

6. Helped clean and get ready for my family to go on a camping trip (I'm stuck here, working... yay? I'm kind of excited?)

7. Bought strawberries in the last ten minutes of the farmer's market (Holy goodness!)

8. Played a game of ultimate frisbee (and apparently was a little more aggressive than anyone thought I would be in my guarding technique)

9. Sat with some new friends around a fire and roasted marshmallows and ate s'mores (yum!)

10. Watched The Orphanage with Shawn (it was not as scary as everyone made it out to be, I really enjoyed it, actually)

That seems like quite a lot for twelve hours. At least to me it does. I can't imagine how people that are actually awake for the morning do it, they must be exhausted and actually able to sleep at night... weird. Oh, I think tomorrow I'll show you some of my film photos, they turned out much better this time (thank goodness it wasn't my camera).

Today

Today I feel like the summer weather is finally getting to me. It wasn't even all that warm out, I mean it was hot, but it's been warmer than it was today all week. I just want to be able to bundle myself up again, throw on some old beat up boots, or curl up in bed while I watch snow falling outside the window. I don't want to go back to Portland and school, I just want the weather to get cold again. I mean I do want to go back to Portland... it's mostly the school thing and all the uncertainties I feel when I think about that. Am I ever certain of anything?

Photo credits: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

Perhaps this is all from my lack of sleep right now, though in the morning I will of had too much sleep. There is a bug flying around my room. I don't understand where it came from, it wasn't here just a minute ago.

Results

This is what has resulted from me staying up late and trying to create something I like. Which I was partly successful at. I just realized that I told Shawn today that I don't draw. Because I don't. Normally. And if I do they are not very good. I'm still a hypocrite, aren't I? Oh, well, I've gotten used to that. I think they look better in the pictures... which is a little sad... My favorite is by far the first one. Maybe I'll go to sleep now.

I've noticed that when I become very tired I either begin to ramble and use never-ending sentences, or, be short and to the point, like I was tonight, but now I'm getting rambly. Oh dear!